Tsuna's Worst Birthday
by MyHobbyIsToRunFromReality
Summary: Tsuna is turning sixteen. And he seriously wishes that he had a normal life. The multiple bullet wounds, bite marks, and bruises are proof of that. AU Crack. Rated for sexual innuendos.


Tsuna swore to whatever god was up there, that _this_ was **his fault** and life totally wanted to screw him over.

Because, this was the worst birthday in the history of birthdays in existence, he was sure of it.

No, nobody forgot his birthday. That would've been easy and so, _so_ much simpler.

As many may know, Tsunayoshi Sawada's birthday is right after Reborn's. Coincidental? Yes. Pleasant? If you answered yes, you are very funny.

You see, the years previous, many would either hold a joint party that usually lasted from dusk 'til dawn between the two or just forget Tsuna's birthday altogether (though that was only in the first year). This year was Tsuna's sixteenth however. Instead of throwing a huge party for him, however, Reborn decided to do something that was _totally_ the sadistic hitman tutor baby-now-turned-sexy-adult he was.

He made his birthday Vongola-styled.

See where this is going?

"What the hell did I ever do to deserve this?!" Tsuna cried out, running away from several of Reborn's 'gifts'. And by gifts, he meant rabid lion-wolf-shark-godknowswhat-hybrid things. Reborn only pouted.

"Tsuna, Scythia only wants to give you a happy birthday kiss." Reborn said, lips forming into a saddening pout. "You should be happy I got her for you, she was really hard to create—er, find."

'Reborn you freaking sadist!' Tsuna growled out in his head. 'I don't want a birthday kiss from a mutant carnivorous beast thing that will maul me!'

Tsuna eventually ran around Namimori with the thing in full speed behind him, and it was eventually knocked out when Hibari deemed it a disturbance.

Tsuna panted. "Th-Thanks, Hibari-san… You re-really saved me."

AS if that was the trigger, Hibari turned to him and lifted up a tonfa bloodthirstily and smirked. "Don't think I did that as a good Samaritan act, herbivore; I expect you to put up a good fight."

"…Eh?"

"I'll bite you to death."

"HIIIIIEEEEE!" Tsuna squealed, running through the school in his pajamas that he was chased out of his house in. Why his mother bought him PJs with small flower and kitten outlines on it for him—he was now _sixteen_ godammit—was beyond him.

In the end, Tsuna went into to HDWM and melted both Hibari's tonfas, thus ending the fight.

Hibari only frowned. "That was a cheap move, herbivore."

Tsuna sighed. "Hibari-san, you've been calling me herbivore for three years now, can't you start calling me carnivore?"

Hibari glared at him and bared his teeth. "I _will _bite you to death."

"But I melted your—_o-oh_! HIIIIIEEEEE! Hi-Hibari-_sa_-AHHHHNN!"

Tsuna's screams were the loudest disturbance in Namimori, according to Fuuta, defeating even the Half Ring Battles and the Nami Chuu Graduation that nobody dared to speak of for fear of Hibari biting them to death. The reason was why was never completely clear, but it was a known fact it involved pineapples, scotch and a mango.

Carrying on.

Tsuna opened the door to his class, his pajamas ripped and torn, skin bruised and several bloody bite marks on his collar and neck. Nezu glared at him.

"SAWADA!"

Tsuna only ignored his teacher and groggily moved towards his seat and slumped into it.

"Dammit Sawada, I don't care how late you got up, you're supposed to wear the uniform—"

"I got to school at _5:40_ this morning, Nezu-sensei." Tsuna said, tiredly gazing at Nezu behind his black eye. "I was chased by a hybrid monster. It's remains are being handled by the Committee as we speak."

Nezu's eye twitched.

"Juudaime," Hayato whispered from behind him, "Happy birthday, Reborn said to train with Mukuro today of he'll set the Reception Room on fire and blame it on you."

Tsuna groaned and slammed his head on the table.

Not because of the threat; no he was used to that.

It's because the fact that training with his Male Half of the Vongola Mist Ring entitled a full session of being molested thoroughly, and by thoroughly, I mean _thoroughly_.

It was partially Tsuna's fault though. He was the one that let out all his homo-uke pheromones and acted so unknowingly adorable.

Like right now. Several male classmates were eying his _very_ visible form only clad in thin pajamas. And there was that cut on the top that went from front to back where one could just barely get a good view of a pale hipbone…

Oh, and right then had been the trigger point; Tsuna shifted and tucked a bit of hair behind his ear, giving the peeping classmates a nice view of slim chest and flat stomach from their angle.

When Nezu turned back to look at the class, four males were overcome with a certain nosebleed and six were looking at their laps with troubled looks. He face palmed.

"SAWADA! Go to the—the gym and ask for extra sweats!"

"E-eh?"

"Go!"

"HIIIEEEEE!" Tsuna shot up and ran off. Once he was out of hearing, Nezu sighed.

"Everyone, cover your eyes." Nezu sighed. "You ten go to the bathroom and take care of your…problems."

Tsuna had spent the next thirty minutes getting shouted at by the gym teacher, who made him run ten laps around the school before giving him the clothes. The first two were fine, but Hibari decided his clothing was indecent ("But _you_ were the one who ripped them—HIIIIIIEEEE!") and chased him for the next eight before biting him to death (quite literally, it seems that he hadn't gotten his spare tonfas yet) which left him from neck to shoulder to some parts of his hips covered with bruises and bite marks.

Tsuna was not pleased.

When he entered class, Yamamoto put an arm around his shoulder and gave out a hearty 'Happy Birthday, Tsuna!"

Instead of giving a reply, Tsuna let out a scream of agony and rubbed his shoulders soothingly as the pain of the bites came back to him—why, of all people, _him_?—and assure Yamamoto that he was fine.

The baseball idol frowned before pulling Gokudera over and whispering something in his ear. The bomber seemed to contemplate this before nodding.

At the same time, both his Rain and Storm Guardian pounced on him and tugged off his gym clothes.

"HIIIEEEEEE! What's going on!?"

"The baseball idiot says your injured, Juudaime!"

"HIIIEEEEE, I-IT'S NOTHING!"

"Hahaha, but you got a lot of bites on you, Tsuna. There are bruises too…"

"Y-YAMAMOTO!"

"Baseball idiot, are there any cuts?"

"Hahaha, nah."

Approximately half the girls in class fainted at the sight of the hottest guys in their year apparently undressing Tsuna, while the other half got together and began to squeal about yaoi and ukes, whatever those were.

The guys? Well, half of them suffered from blood loss (you, my fellow fanfiction viewers know where from) and the other half, the 'I-am-completely-straight-no-matter-what-the-hell-you-say-because-being-gay-is-_gay_-and-I-am-a-macho-man' half, looked at them in disgust and scooted away from them, discreetly covering their trails of blood.

(A/N: Please don't take offense to that last one; it was a humor shot, and just look at my profile: I am bi and proud, so don't go nagging me on gay rights because I know homophobia is a dick.)

When Nezu came back to class from his coffee break he found a half-naked Tsuna, only gym pants on, the Italian transfer holding the struggling brunette without much effort while Yamamoto Takeshi was looking over the body, and was just then tossing Tsuna's top to the side. Tsuna also had multiple, fresh looking marks on his being.

Nezu closed the door and walked away. He called the principal. "Yeah, boss? I'm quitting. Why? Too many guys trying to rape one student—and no, that student is male."

After all the drama died down, Tsuna was slumped in his seat, completely _dead_. He only sighed. "Hopefully things will get better when I get home."

It did not.

For whatever reason, Bianchi chose to make him a six—you read right, **six**—tier cake that _moved_. Fuuta presented him with his highest rankings (Best uke, least testosterone, most sought after by other men, etc.,) and Nuts left a pretty stinky gift in his bed. Tsuna looked at Nuts, who was held by Enma who walked home with him, smiled.

"I don't want to know if that's a squirrel or a hamster." Tsuna stated pointing at the dead carcass in his bed. Enma winced slightly.

"That was kind of my fault, Tsuna-kun, I told Nuts to get you something from the heart; I guess he took it as something from his stomach—I think it's a mix of both along with a half-digested rat, though…"

"Gao!" Nuts said, looking up to Tsuna for praise. Tsuna only pat his head. At least he _meant_ well.

But so did Bianchi and Fuuta, but their gifts were both deadly and degrading.

Tsuna went downstairs, tired after tossing the mess out his window when Nuts wasn't looking.

"Happy Birthday Tuna!"

"E-Eh?!" Tsuna said, seeing his living room full of people. Was that Byakuran!?

Reborn smirked at his student. "Dame-Tsuna, you're going to have to face your birthday with your dying will."

"Huh?"

"Reborn-san told us that if we wanted to give you a good birthday, we'll have to fight you well!" Gokudera cheered.

Tsuna blanched as Mukuro, Hibari, Byakuran, Xanxus—and _oh god_, even **Enma**—stepped forward and smiled on varying levels of sadistic glee.

"Uh, little bro?" Dino started. "Run."

Tsuna took this advice wisely and fled in a speed that Fuuta soon listed as highest speed of a chased victim on foot out of 348598967 people.

When Tsuna returned home, it was in a body bag that opened to reveal a half-dead tuna that flopped out and groaned. Spanner looked over at him.

"Oi, Vongola. Are you alive? If so, then you got more to look forward to, Reborn set up a new game—if you don't open a present in under three seconds, you get shot at."

Tsuna began to foam at the mouth.

Sixteen bullet wounds later (why did he know _so many _people that wrapped his presents **five times** just to get him shot at for their enjoyment on _his_ birthday?!—I'm looking at you, Xanxus, Mukuro), Tsuna was finally done, having opened all, and I mean all 51 presents. From people he was close to in his family (and also not so close to *ahem*Varia*ahem*), Shimon, (currently) Gesso, and Giglio Nero. And Cavallone too, but it was technically only Dino.

Tsuna blinked at the pile of _stuff_ he had. He was pretty sure he had several guns, some clothes, expensive watches, and even a box of condoms and lube in there (that's not funny, Mukuro, and _no_, I will _not_ 'break them in with you'—that goes for you too Byakuran, so quit it with the perv eyes.) Tsuna was very pleased with most things, but some things seemed unnecessary(why would he even _need_ a matchbox anyway, Ryohei, he could burn through _buildings_?) and others were surprisingly quite meaningful ("You're giving me Hibird's egg?! I didn't even know Hibird was a she!" "Take care of it or I'll bite you to death." "HIIIIIEEEEE!")

Reborn smirked as baby Yuni toddled up to him and said cheerily "Tuna-nii! Tuna-nii!" due to still not being able to pronounce his name. Aria walked up to her and whispered in her daughter's ear, who nodded and gave Tsuna a birthday kiss on the cheek. The brunette smiled and pet Yuni's hair before Gamma picked her up again, Gokudera muttering under his breath "You're _sure_ you're not her dad?" and receiving a kick to the face.

"Oi, Dame-Tsuna." Reborn smirked. "Let's have a competition, winner gets Dame-Tsuna's virginity—"

"REBORN!" Tsuna cried out, looking at the hitman indignantly. "Don't go putting my innocence on the line—"

"Kufufufu, I'll go first then~"

Tsuna slumped in his chair and cried his eyes out. Why him?...

Tsuna started out by trying to give everyone a zero, but Reborn soon excused the both of them, shoved a bottle of sake down the boy's throat and the drunk little tuna began spewing out random numbers at every performance.

Which was why Kyoko got a 48 for her performance of singing which was actually quite exceptional, Mukuro got a 75 for illusions everyone has seen a hundred times before and Xanxus got a 92 for trying to shoot the boy's head off.

Tsuna's head lolled over when it was Enma's turn and Enma went forward to try and wake the boy up. "Tsuna-kun."

"C-Cen-to?" Tsuna slurred, cheeks red and eyes dazed.

"And Enma wins." Reborn announced. The redhead spluttered.

"Wh-What?!—"

"He said 'cento' also known as '100' in Italian." Reborn said easily. "It still counts."

"Hahaha~ Isn't that great, E-En-kun~?" Tsuna slurred, arm slung over his blushing red-headed friend. "The shark's gonna go home now~"

Enma only blinked. "What?"

Tsuna giggled. "They're all white crayons!"

Enma only face palmed.

Tsuna then passed out, still with sixteen bullet wounds in his being.

Oh. Make that seventeen; Xanxus felt the need to tell Tsuna that he wanted more liquor. Like right now.

Tsuna, still drunk as one could get, turned to Xanxus and demonstrated how well Reborn's tutoring in insults in different languages could get when he cursed the scarred man out in twelve different languages in a way only an intoxicated person could, completely ignorant to the fact that the killing aura coming from Xanxus could freeze an active volcano and set fire to a glacier.

The fight that followed was so epic, people were pointing to the sky, wondering if the Armageddon had finally come to destroy them all.

Reborn only looked on and wondered if he should teach his student drunken fist, because he seemed to be quite good at fighting even when walking like a teetering drunk.

The next morning, Tsuna woke up to a pounding headache and looked around, to see the end result of a battle field known as his home, all of his guests scattered around the house in varying levels of dress and intoxication.

He was currently wondering what the _hell_ he did that caused his basement to start leaking chocolate milk.

Yup. By far, worst birthday yet.

According to Fuuta, it was actually the worst birthday to happen to all Mafiosi ever.

Lovely.

**Haven't written some crack in a while. Felt bored. And I feel I've been writing too much angsty stuff lately. Oh well, could just be me.**

**And yeah. This was really fun to write. But isn't it always when it's crack? I especially loved writing Nezu's scenes. I normally hate the guy, but in this one it was fun.**

**I'm going to get started writing for my other stories, you know, like 'My 'Tou-san', 'Mafia Preschool', 'Rainbow High School', and 'The Open Sky', you know, the usual.**

**You know, after I catch that damn plot bunny again. Ran away from me again.**

**Commencing rage keyboard smash.**

**Jrincx.d8idcijcfhjdsfkjldfsd,m,njmddfwkldw;lkjalkdsdstfsjjiujdtgfvriugb tfvriolwrt4cvfuknlrfvdi809rj fgerkjlswioiujewnnmvhjvciuio rekjgfdfsiuiuoerkjfghfsdyuir kfklxcijoioope3;ll,;klcvioiodfiopoqe;ler,;lfdijo8d8934;km;ldc8iooinjerwknlfiov8dforij[iiovjv8u9iu0e3i034mok;lmerk;lmefposcx879cvgfv870reiuojuq .**

**Yeah, I'm done now, XD.**


End file.
